Friends and Peers

Its been sitting in my head for a long while to write about this idea. But thoughts take time to percolate, and political expediencies would dictate other delays.

So finally, now seems like a good time to let loose, so to speak.

And already the controversy is about to begin. Friends and peers are not the same thing.

A friend is someone you genuinely like and usually get along with. The operative idea here is love. No greater love has a man for his friend than to lay down his life for him. When love blossoms in a non-romantic way, you get friendship.

A peer is someone of your level. In a sense, it is a match in terms of standing, or ability. The guy who knows as much as you do, is a subject-matter expert in one field as you are in another for example, is your peer. He is, in other words, you equal.

Now you do not have to like your peers. You can dislike them with a vengeance. The feeling can be mutual. You may not see eye to eye with them at all. The operative idea here is relative ability.

In a perfect world, all your friends would be your peers, even if not all your peers are your friends. We all wish things were this way. This gives rise to us using the words interchangeably, even though they operate on completely different concepts.

Perhaps an illustration is in order. God is Abraham's friend. God says Abraham is His friend. There is a mutual love. That much is nice and Biblical too. However, its utterly blasphemous and ludicrous to assert that God and Abraham are peers. For the theologically uninitiated, God has no peer. That's why He's God. Name above all names, Almighty, Most Exalted and so on. Clearly no peers. Its simple. Nobody is God's equal. And nobody tries to be. Well except that one guy. You might know him. Mr S A Tan. But it didn't work out for him. Mostly because he tried to be something he was not. Frankly, he didn't have it in him. Perfection is hard to attain.

But enough of that. The point is this. In you life, there are peers, and there are friends.
There is an intersection in those 2 groups where you have friends who are peers and peers who are friends. But not all friends are peers, and not all peers are friends. Think of it as a Venn diagram.

Now comes the problem when people start confusing the 2 ideas.

Usually, a peer of yours won't become confused that he's your friend when you barely know each other. No relationship, no love develops.

No, the problems arise when your friends think they are your peers. At this moment, it is only prudent to admit that there are some things your friends do better than you. Its a fact of life. There are things lizards do better than humans, namely walking up walls. But peers are people who generally match you in terms of ability. Now, the thing with friends is that emotions are involved. And when that happens, people can become offended.

So it comes to pass that you don't treat your friend like a peer, because he is not, and he becomes offended because he thinks he's your peer because he's your friend. The logical mistake is in that last bit. A friend is not necessarily a peer.

And how do you handle this?

Telling your friend he is not your peer will bruise his ego, and he'll be offended.
Pretend that he is your peer is deceiving him and yourself.

Catch 22 anyone?

That said, the wounds of a friend are true. But sadly, many friendships can end this way.

What would you do?

Then there is this: if you're the smartest guy in your group of friends, start making new ones.
Its a quote. I didn't make it up. I'm not sure what to make of it either.

The strains on my life. Man...